Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]

Dog: You gonna eat that?

My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.

“Aaaaaaaaand done!”

-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.

I’m never leaving this app.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

cop: got any drugs on you

me: nah

cop: how about in your car

me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately

This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)