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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
accurate
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
meanwhile over on facebook
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*