You Might Also Like
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Close call…
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……