[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
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Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
what’s more important?
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]