Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

🤣🤣💀

People buying plungers never look happy.

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

Saturday

You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

[waxing salon]

ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.

ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?

ME: No, I don’t need that many.

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”