Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

this isn’t threatening at all

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…

our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.

I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.