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I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season