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Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Just as the prophecy foretold
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
