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Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
This is so me 😂😂
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Just why bro?!
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time