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[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.