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I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
journal
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.