Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent

It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

[staff meeting]

“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about