Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

April 1st is the class clown of days.

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?

house sitting!

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.