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Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that