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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Someone just called country music ‘farm emo’ and I’m dying
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
