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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
😭😭😭😭
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Great game to play with friends
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way