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Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
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BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
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Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm