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Succinctly put.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
I’ve been following a really strict diet for several months now and lately I’m having these nightmares where I wake up and I’m surrounded by a ton of junk food wrappers that I ate in the night. It’s pretty hilarious.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I can’t stop watching this.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
beware of dog
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.