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Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I’ve had worse
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.