You Might Also Like
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
can’t wait til they legalize outside
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
i hate you platonically
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient