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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.