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(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie