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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait