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me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I told my vodka about you.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
My son says he doesn’t like being born on December 31st coz it takes too long to get to his next birthday. I tried explaining to him that it’s the same for everyone, but part of me kind of got what he was saying.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.