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“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.