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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.