45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…

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I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.


Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.


My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.


People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.


My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.


Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.


Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…


I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.


“Two thumbs up!” -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated