@Classy_Cassy89

45 min phone call w/8yo nephew:

Aunt Cassy, there are 206 bones in the human body!Want me to name them?1.Cranium 2.Mandible 3.Scapula…

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@iAmDelFreaky

I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.

@YesThatAmy

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

@SSgtTommyD

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

@robyn_vo

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

@i_Lean

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@beersuds

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…

@RealSugarFree

I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.

@ZachXJ

“Two thumbs up!” -man with 12 thumbs reviewing a movie he hated