Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

shakira sharkira

TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me

At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Camel dough

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.

If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes