Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

ㅤ

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire