Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.

Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.

*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:

Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?

Him: I give up

Me: A terrorst

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.