Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Shower sex be like:

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from women

Post-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

No way!

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.

You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

🤯🤯🤯

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.