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You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Denise please return my vape pen
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable