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When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Worth a try
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.