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Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Today’s tshirt
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
“I’m helping” 😅
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*