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When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.