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Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Thursday
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?