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Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
God, I love Scotland
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*