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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*