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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
He is just living hist best little life 😊
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
*power walks to the refrigerator*