You Might Also Like
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Is this you?
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational