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[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.