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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
How animals would run if they were human
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦