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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
This poor dog
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I bet birds love this building.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
The internet is magic sometimes.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
omg leave her alone
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.