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As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …