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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
This came to me in a dream.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes