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COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?