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What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
15mos are the cutest humans in the world but also the most boring. Girl, we’ve been putting this baby doll to bed for 23 mins, please
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.