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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
Mood.. 😂
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix