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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My Uber driver has crazy rules. I can talk, but anything I say can be used against me in a court of law?
It’s also kind of alarming that he has a full laptop setup and a shotgun in his front seat.
The cuffs I understand. Never can be too careful.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all