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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea