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I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
throat sock season is upon us.
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please