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When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”