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Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
That’s no pocket rocket.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
(making the first gang) sorry to keep bringing up fashion i just think it would be cute if we all wore the same color
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”