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Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
The Recipe for Disaster in me, recognizes the Appetite for Destruction in you.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I was bored.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Give a baker flours on your first date.
My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
