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Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Put a ring on it
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.