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My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
how much for the angry fruit?
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry