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Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole