You Might Also Like
Every
Single
Year
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I hate my earbuds.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir