Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.

“Either shave your legs or kiss me”

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Old old old old old west

Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that

You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.