47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
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Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.