Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Oh hi lol

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

[at a party]

host: would you like a tour

me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”

With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.

You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me

I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago

scared to check what name she chose

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.