47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
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[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?