Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

My mom at 25: Married, one kid

Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”

Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose

Me:

Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?

I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.

(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?

Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.

A ghost story

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude