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clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
[dinner party]
GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.
ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?
[everyone slowly turns their head]
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life