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[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
*puts cutlery down*
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.