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In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
This week’s mood.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one. The dead body one
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.