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this is the news I live for
Can Happiness buy money?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
incredible book dedication
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.