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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.
I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified