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I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.