48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
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Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
they split up moments later
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.