Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what

Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.

[on a plane]

Captain: I have bad news

Passengers: *gasp*

Captain: the middle class is dying

Passengers: oh, that’s true

Captain: first class might survive

Passengers: what

Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was

I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups

Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG

Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup