Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

Alright…who left me unsupervised again?

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.

Now who’s stupid? They are!

Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…

Me: I have a weekend immune system.

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

The perfect label doesn’t exi-

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

World: What’s the date?

America: Well first and most importantly it’s June